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It’s hard to imagine a nine-time world champion of
anything coming out of Cocoa Beach, Florida. That would be like… oh, I don’t
know… like a legit, deep, overhead barrel coming through at Lower Trestles.
Something crazy like that.
Be your maker Jesus, Allah, or Oprah Winfrey, it’s
equally likely that He Who Maketh The Surf is a mischievous, streetwise little
bugger who likes to screw with people and is easily amused by the trivial. Luckily
for East Coast fans, his (or her) humor fell in our favor this weekend at
Southern California’s famed coliseum of high-performance carnage, Lower
Trestles:
“Okay, I’m-a
have my 38-year-old Floridian son grab his 43rd ASP World Tour victory, his
fourth here at Trestles, which offers the richest prize purse in surfing
history, $105,000, vaulting him 4,500 points out front in the ASP World Title
Race in his quest for a tenth world title.”
“But that’s not all, I’m-a make Lowers perfect. Like more perfect than it’s probably
ever been for a contest here (at least since the 1990 Body Glove Surf Bout,
where my boy won his first major pro contest). And just to make things more interesting,
I’m-a have my boy actually get beat by a rookie nearly half his age, sending
him to Round 5 within the newly-implemented double-elimination system. But
I’m-a bring him right back into the quarters with a free pass, because I’m-a
make his opponent too ‘ill’ to compete, allowing my boy a crowd-freaking solo
session in perfect Lowers. Then in the quarters, my boy can teach that shorty
who beat him a lesson. Then I’m-a have him beat the defending world champion in
the semifinals (I wasn’t too fond of that ‘Jew’ crack, Mick). Then I’m-a have my
boy combo his opponent in the finals before helping him scratch into the most
intense, third-wave-of-the-set tuberide this Trestles crowd has likely ever
seen in competition, navigate it with very un-Cocoa Beach-like aplomb, getting
him hatted and carried up the beach to do the
carry-the-flag-and-kiss-the-girlfriend-and-get-doused-by-champagne-and-thank-everybody
thing.”
“But that’s not all. Them twin brothers have been pretty outspoken about My
love, so I’m-a have them both make respectable Round 5 exits, sitting them
comfortably at 11th and 12th in the ratings. In fact, not a lot of people have
ever seen the younger twin bust an air-reverse in a Dream Tour heat, so let’s
have him pop off one of them in Round 1, and then have him downgrade his own
achievement as a ‘mini winnie.’ I like when my sons are all humble like that.”
“And speaking of faith… Oh My Me! No one’s been more faithful than my St.
Augustine son. Constantly gets the shaft but keeps his heart pure and his focus
unclouded. I’m-a have him blow up so big, it’ll take nothing short of a
nine-time world champion to stop him in Round 4… Yeah, that’s what I’m-a do.”
Of course, I’m paraphrasing. I mean, whose God really
talks like a Baltimore wino and loves seeing four humble Floridians come up?
That’s kind of hard to imagine.
For full results,
photos, and videos of the 2010 Hurley Pro Trestles, visit www.Hurley.com
For updated ratings and a look at the back end of the
2010 ASP World Tour, visit www.ASPWorldTour.com
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